Six Steps to Global Domination for the Dimwitted, Downright Dumb and Totally Unintelligent

Six Steps to Global Domination for the Dimwitted, Downright Dumb and Totally Unintelligent

"What are we going to do tonight Brain? The same thing we do every night Pinky. Try to take over the world!” (Das Mouse). This is the attitude one needs to be a conqueror. It is certainly the attitude the planet needs at this time. For it is a well known fact that sheep need a shepherd. The teeming masses of this world have done nothing but get themselves into trouble, not that dissimilar to a small puppy left to it’s own devices. Someone needs to take the reins of the planet; to remove the exhausting tasks of choice and autonomy from the common man. Personal freedom is but a self styled prison that bogs one down with a dizzying array of options that really aren’t necessary. A person may be smart, but people are dumb, stupid crazed animals. So the question is who will step up for the good of the people and rule? This is a daunting task that most consider an impossibility. Fear not, for there is a silver light shining through the dark cloud. By following the undemanding steps presented here, even a simpleton could claim the world as theirs.

It is a well known fact that no world take over attempt will be successful without sufficient resources. To begin, it is obvious one will need a vast populace of underlings to draw from, as no future Emperor will be capable of being everywhere at once (though it should be noted that no one need know this). Two great examples taken from the annals of history are the Sung dynasty and the Mongols. The Sung dynasty was successful in uniting the whole of mainland China though an effective and heavily indoctrinated caste system. Teaching the commoners their place in life and strict adherence to their duty to the Emperor created the loyal, willing and malleable populace needed for the unification of China. Dictionary of the Middle Ages reports on the well known Chinggis Khan, leader of the Golden Horde, a force believed to number in excess of 150,000 men, including 30,000 cavalry in later 1218 AD. Through the brilliant use of the multitude of men under him, Chinggis was able to create an empire that spanned the width of Asia; from Baghdad to Beijing (“Mongol Empire”). These two clearly demonstrate the value that may be found in volume. In addition to manpower, any fool knows the importance of financial backing to be successful in a world take over. And as everyone is aware, the general populace’s sole reason for existence is for their ruler’s prosperity, help them achieve their purpose though heavy taxation. The Bretons for example would pay their soldiers what seemed like ridiculously high wages on paper; however when the cost of living space, food, drink, equipment, transportation, clothing, tithes and taxes from the King, Church and local Lord are all deducted from their pay a soldier could quite possibly be in debt to the army. Another classic example is taken from Mohammed, the founder of Islam, who married a wealthy camel merchant’s widow. With the bountiful coffers of his newfound wife at his disposal, Mohammed was able to outfit and equip his army with everything necessary to defeat all in their path. It would be wise to remember the Golden Rule; whoever has the gold makes the rules. So now that the necessary resources have been gathered it is time to move on the next phase of global dominance.

As one will not be able to start with a grip of iron upon the whole globe, it will be necessary to spread the empire in stages. So the taking the neighboring nations should be the next step taken to rule the world. Take the English for instance, a shining example of the momentum that may be gained by conquest. At its peak their empire controlled nearly half of the land mass on Earth, covering six continents over thirty counties. They achieved this incredible feat through military might, economic dominance, political maneuverings and religious conversion; it was their use of these methods in juxtaposition led to their unprecedented pace in assimilating nations. God Himself has endorsed this right in the following words: “. . . Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule . . . over all . . . .” (NASB, Genesis 1:26). Commonly referred to as the Dominion Mandate, this is a commandment for the subjugator to go forth into the nations and take what is rightfully theirs. Next, it will be of the paramount of importance that the pool of manpower is being replenished. When at all possible, attempt to take a country intact, this will save the time consuming task of settlement and repopulation later. Remember that no resource is inexhaustible; while minions will multiply though natural means, they will not do so at a sufficient rate for continued conquest. With the taking of every new land there are natural resources to gather, people to tax, and soldiers to conscript. The Romans allowed the conquered to maintain the use of their own language and customs so long as they paid their tithe and contributed to the forces of Rome. This allowed the Romans to quickly replenish their losses in battle while simultaneously easing the transition of the local populace to new management. With tactics like these is it any surprise that they controlled most of the known world? So now there is but one area to still focus on before supreme authority is within one’s grasp.

To catalyze the process of conquest it will be vital that the heart of the people is won. First find a forceful figure to focus the faith of the citizens on. Any idiot can see the value of this. For example, Richard the Lionhearted attempted to lead a grand crusade to reclaim the Holy Land from the hands of the infidels; however his tendency towards ineptitude and cowardice spelt certain failure long before he reached Jerusalem. On the other hand you can look to Alexander the Great, whose inspiring, dynamic presence allowed him to become the only undefeated general in world history. One needs simply to look at the great men of history and the value of a potent person in a position of power will become obvious. Juggernauts such as Franklin D. Roosevelt, Joseph Stalin, Martin Luther King Junior, Ma Chao, Pericles of Athens, Omar Bradley, and Yu Ying-Shih are but a few examples of men that ignited the passions of the populace to perform amazing deeds. Finally, the magnitude of good morale cannot be stressed enough, this is an absolute must if one wishes to be successful in leadership of any kind. The Nazi regime has taught that totally pervasive propaganda in a myriad of forms is the best tool to control the will of the people. Adolf Hitler stated that “By the skillful and sustained use of propaganda, one can make a people see even heaven as hell or an extremely wretched life as paradise,” shortly before his political party took a nation in total depression and transformed it into an international superpower in under a decade (162). Historian Michael Fellman gives an excellent account of another man who truly understood the power of morale, the famous outlaw Jesse James. He writes, “. . . Jesse and Frank James . . . were among the most successful and long-lived gangsters in U.S. history. . . In life and even more in death, he became the American Robin Hood, a figure who robbed from the oppressor--bankers and railroad moguls--and supposedly gave money to the poor for sixteen years.” (“Jesse James”). Despite being a cold blooded killer, James had won the hearts of the people that such a degree that they protected him from the attempted arrest of Allen Pinkerton and his detective agency. So now that the pieces in place; it is time to go forth and claim ones due.

If one will follow the simple steps laid out here, the dream of a worldwide empire will become a reality. So here are a few final thoughts that will aid in one’s ascension. It is an easy mistake to become overzealous; however pace will be essential for success. The Roman Empire wasn’t built in a day after all. When discouragement rears its unsightly head remember; this is being done not for personal glory, but for the common good of all men. People need a confident leader to make decisions for them; however, there will be “growing pains” involved in this. Who cares if faceless millions die for the benefit of billions? Look at the big picture and remember the popular colloquialism, “No pain, No gain.” One cannot hope to drive the highway to world dominance if they are worried about such a small speed bump as loss of life. Alexander the Great built an Empire that was measured not in mere countries, but continents, and he left this pearl of wisdom for the man that would one day finish what he started. “There is nothing impossible to him who will but try.” The world is ripe for the taking; it yearns for a ruler worthy of praise. Someone merely needs to reach out and claim it as theirs.

Works Cited
“Das Mouse.” Pinky and the Brain. WB 9/9/1985. By Peter Hastings. Dir. Liz Holzman, Al Zegler. Voiced by Rob Paulsen, Maurice LaMarche
Hitler, Adolf. Mein Kampf. Trans. by Ralph Manheim. Houghton Mifflin, 1971. Reprint.
"Jesse James." Violence in America. Charles Scribner's Sons, 1999. Reproduced in History Resource Center. Farmington Hills, MI: Gale.
"Mongol Empire." Dictionary of the Middle Ages. 13 vols. American Council of Learned Societies. Charles Scribner's Sons, 1989. Reproduced in History Resource Center. Farmington Hills, MI: Gale.
New American Standard Bible. Kenneth L. Barker, Zondervan 2002.